Identity Crisis....

So apparently yesterday I was having something like an identity crisis....I am still dealing with my father's death...and I'll tell you why.....

My mother and father divorced when I was 2. When I was 5 my mother was married to another man, and my father signed papers for this man to adopt me....in lieu of paying child support.....there are evidently some circimstances behind him signing these papers, but that's neither here nor there. I was not allowed to see him or be in contact with him until I was grown, but I had spent time over the summers and such with his mom, my Mim. At age 19, I went and met him and while it was awkward, it was awesome. Here was a man that was my father, the reason I existed....my feet looked like his, toes and all.....my teeth were like his, it was just little things like this that I noticed. I built a relationship with him over the next 20 years, which I still believe God's hand was in it because the man that raised me, divorced my mom when I was 25 and completely dropped the family...even his biological children. So, I got my father back and we worked on a relationship from there. I never asked questions as to why, I was just glad to have him in my life. I figured the problem was between him and my mom and I didn't want it to become our problem. My mother has always been one that had to be "in control"....especially of my life. She chose for my step dad to adopt me, but then when he left and I was upset she would tell me, "he's not your Dad anymore"...she would even get mad at me when I would call him "Dad"....so here I was with a Dad that she didn't want to be part of my life growing up, and then the Dad that SHE chose for me to have, well she didn't want him to be my Dad anymore either.

When I was just a baby....

This was the day I went to "meet" him ... June 24, 1989

This was the last time I saw him healthy....February 2008

Fast forward to 2009, my Dad is dying of cancer. I make it to Florida to see him on April 15, 2009, ironically that is my step dad's 65th birthday.....My dad is so frail, so weak....straggles of what used to be a full head of hair is now just pieces due to the extensive chemotherapy. The cancer that has started on the brain has caused one side of his face to be numb, as if he's had a stroke. I spend several hours with him and when we go to leave, I lean over, kiss his cheek and semi hug him, as much as I can with him laying in a hospital bed......I grabbed his hand and squeezed it, told him I loved him and went to leave, but he pulled me back....looks me square in the eyes and says "I LOVE you".....he made sure I heard it, he wasn't letting me leave without making sure I KNEW he loves me.....You just have no idea how badly I needed to hear that! I told my husband when I got to the truck that I knew I had just seen my dad for the last time. I knew it. My husband told me not to be negative, and really I wasn't......I was being realistic.  My dad passed just shortly after midnight on April 21, 2009. We went back down for the memorial and that was it...

It's been a year and a half now, and it still feels like  yesterday. I miss him, I want to pick up the phone and call him all the time, and dang when my computer gets stupid, I almost dial his number.....

His wife gave each of my boys one of his watches when we went for the memorial, and she gave me a couple letters that he still had that I had written to him 20 years ago. But that's it. Now, I'm not trying to appear greedy or "materialistic", but I have nothing of my Dad's. There are many things I would like to have. He had alot of things, and really there's no reason I shouldn't have some of his things. BUT, his wife is still struggling with his death as well and evidently she's not ready to let go, or she has no plans to let go of his things. I wrote to her and asked her about it, told her that I would like my boys to have a piece of their grandfather....part of his legacy....her response was "of course, that's why I gave them the watches"....seriously??? So I wrote her again and was specific....no response for a week.....wrote her again, forwarded her the previous email asking her if she received it or if it was lost in cyber space.....her response "yes, I did get it"....that's it, nothing else. So I responded to her "Obviously I have upset you and you don't want to answer me. I'm sorry", was the only thing I knew to say.

Just out of curiosity, I contacted an estate lawyer. This is where the "Identity Crisis" happened....he says "well, when you were adopted, you became somebody else's daughter, no longer his".....I don't know why I let his words weigh so heavy on me, this is a man I have never met, who means nothing to me. But it struck me hard. I hung up and I just cried......

So, if I'm not Bo's daughter, and Lloyd no longer wants anything to do with me, who in the world am I? I'm not sure anymore.

BUT THEN, I went to church....I know God is good and I know He speaks to us, but I was not prepared for him to speak to me so directly last night! My pastor is teaching/preaching and right there in the midst of his lesson, he says "THAT'S WHO YOU ARE"...... I swear I wanted to raise my hand and ask him to repeat it.....but I didn't have to ......then the tears start falling....flooding me.....God spoke so directly to me....it was as if everyone else left that church, I was entranced, I was in awe.....

 I don't need a piece of paper to tell me who I am. I am child of the Most High God, and like I told my Pastor last night, no words from my Dad, or step dad could EVER begin to comfort me like God's words did last night, and many other times.....I just needed a reminder, God knew it, and sent it!